Published January 12, 2008
Sorry, taking it down
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139,357 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey i thought this was great and very entertaining.
Also the dialog was cool. but i didn't understand it, which was real shame as i haven't read the other parts so i would be thank full if you could pm them to me.
Anyway I'm not much for grammar so ill just say one thing. keep going it was a good piece.
______________________________________
Ever since the crash on 11/05/07 my memory has gone.
Who am i.
~~~~Amnesia
Hey i thought this was great and very entertaining.
Also the dialog was cool. but i didn't understand it, which was real shame as i haven't read the other parts so i would be thank full if you could pm them to me.
Anyway I'm not much for grammar so ill just say one thing. keep going it was a good piece.
______________________________________
Ever since the crash on 11/05/07 my memory has gone.
Who am i.
~~~~Amnesia
It's a very good read but in the first few paragraphs I couldn't quite figure out what was happening. It was somewhat unclear. It needs a point too, however. More plot is needed, I think. Overall it's quite good. Plot, how clear it is is what you should work on with this piece. Thanks for writing! Is there going to be more?
Im not sure about this sentence:
You said:
I slammed open the front door, and slammed it closed, locking the door, to delay Ted from entering.
Several things here... You used the word door twice, and slammed doesn't fit. You dont slam a door open, and when you close it, you should say 'slammed it to a close'
You also said slam two sentences ago...
Othre than that irritating part, I really liked it! Very good use of words
Keep writing!!
Aedomir
Hi guys, we're having some major computor problems, so it might be a little longer before I can post the next chapter.
Thanks for taking the time to stick with the story, I know it needs a bit more work, and I really appreciate it.
Thanks!
LP
It's good, but she seemed to just be overreacting when she'd been pretty happy with everything beforehand, and she'd been able to put up with the shrinks.
You forgot to put quotation marks at the end, and you shouldn't start sentences with a dash.
I probably should have asked this earlier, but is the mask full-face or does it just cover part of it, because if it's full-face she shouldn't be able to see him grinning.
You mean leaving and college.
Crossbow is one word.
You've used growled twice here, it looks a little awkward.
You mean thought.
Take out the 'your'.
Cyclops doesn't have an 'e'.
If you're going to have her ask if he said too much, you shouldn't specify that she thought that beforehand, it's obvious from her asking the question.
Good work. PM me when you're done with chapter six.
-Billy
Yeah, no problem, it might be a few days through. We just go our new classes so I'm working on getting adjusted, but it shoudln't be more than a few days.
I'm glad you liked it! And welcome to YWS.
LP
Hey nice job! I really like the way you wrote this. From what I can tell you don't have that many grammer mistakes, but then again I'm not the best at grammer. Will you pm me when the sixth part comes out?
Thanks!
~Rory Lewis~